A Little Bit

Hey all.  Sorry for not writing sooner.  The last two weeks have been kind of a blur/rollercoaster.

The second week of my two week wait was tough.  Aside from the general impatience, Jeeves went to the west coast for work for three days.  Luckily Max had been going through a phase of sleeping and napping for longer, so that helped, and he was generally in a good mood all week.  Although, he did ask for "Dada" during bedtime routine, so we would FaceTime with Jeeves, and he seemed to like that.

On 11dpiui, I woke up, took my temp and was immediately depressed - it had dropped down to 98.0 from 98.4.  For me, that has always signaled a negative cycle.  On 12dpiui, my temp went down to 97.9.  I was sad, but I had been more depressed the day before and I had accepted that this cycle had failed.  I think one of the reasons I was so bummed about it was that I had such large follicles when I triggered - I have never had a totally negative cycle when my follicles were that big.  So I guess I really, really got my hopes up.

I unburdened myself to my Facebook infertile moms group and they totally said the right things (no one told me it was too early, and there was still a chance - they just embraced how shitty the process is and reminded me that this is just the start of the journey and not the end).  It helped a lot.

At 13dpiui, my temp rebounded slightly to 98.0, and I got a little hopeful... till I looked at my charts for the last 5 months and realized that my temp has rebounded to 98.0 the day before I get my period every cycle.  Oh well.  That day I had some slight cramping and a little bit of pink tinged discharge, which made me wonder if my period was about to start.

Jeeves came home and on 14dpiui, I woke up and my temp was up to 98.2.  What the heck?  I was supposed to go in for my beta test during morning monitoring hours and I decided to pee on a stick before I went to see what was going on.

Positive HPT.

What the what?

But it was light. I mean, it was there, but it was definitely light.  Much lighter than either of my HPTs with Max or with my missed miscarriage.  I had a chemical pregnancy on my first IUI back in 2013 and when my beta was around a 32, I took an HPT just so I could see a positive test for once.  That's what this looked like.  LIGHT.

All day I steeled myself for a phone call where I'd be told my beta was super low and that it was unlikely this was viable.

The nurse called at 4:30 - beta was 77.  They were fine with that number.  At my old clinic, they wanted you over a 50.  Still, 77 is much lower than my first beta with Max or with my miscarriage. They were concerned with how low my progesterone was - only a 7 point something.  With Max I was around 36 at the same point.  So they started me on prometrium suppositories (which is super fun).  Still, at least now I had an explanation for why my temp had started to drop.

A week ago, at 17dpiui, I went in for the second beta.  270 - a doubling time of 39.7 hours.  Progesterone had bounced up to 17.  This clinic doesn't make you come in for multiple betas once you get that doubling.  And I'm grateful for that.  Who knows if this is going to work out, but at least I don't have to keep torturing myself with blood levels.  Instead, though, they want me in for an ultrasound this Wednesday - I'll only be 5 weeks and 5 days.

5 weeks and 5 days is where I was when I started my ultrasound debacle with my miscarriage.   I'm definitely anxious.  If this isn't going to work, I would have preferred a chemical pregnancy to another missed miscarriage, and I would have preferred a negative to a chemical, obviously.  I assume they want to check me tomorrow so early because they want to make sure it's intrauterine and not ectopic, and with the holidays and then the weekend, there's limited time for that.  I just keep reminding myself not to expect to see much, hopefully a gestational sac and a yolk sac, and not to freak if there's no fetal pole or heartbeat.  

So that's where things are right now.  Wendy and I have been saying that I'm "a little bit pregnant."  I've been very tired, but I'm not always sure if that's from the pregnancy or just from the fact that I have a toddler.  On Friday I had a rough day with Max and didn't get a chance to eat enough, so while fixing Max's dinner I became lightheaded and nearly fainted.  But other than that, I don't feel pregnant, though I know it's still early.

There's the update.  I'm a little pregnant.  Hoping this isn't going to be a miscarriage.  Hoping that if it was just a late implantation, that everything else is okay.   

Cycle Day 18

Howdy!  Thought I’d write a little update about my IUI and my thoroughly exhausting Thanksgiving.

So, last week on cycle day 11, I went in for monitoring.  Dr. P checked me out and found my lead follicle was now up to 26.5mm(!), and a second one around 20.5.  The one on the left was about 18.5mm.  My lining had improved a little to about 7mm and change, but she still wanted it thicker.  She sent me for blood work and said that depending on what that showed, she would recommend that I take the Ovid.rel shot that night and come in Friday morning for an IUI.

The rest of the day was super tiring and stressful.  I came home, went to the gym, E came to look after Max so I could do my Thanksgiving cooking and pack us up for our trip to Jeeves’ parents’ house.  Before I could get any cooking done, a bunch of stuff with my father’s estate blew up which devolved into me having an argument with the paralegal who works on the estate and having to ask the attorney to weigh in.  It was ridiculous and aggravating.  Finally I was able to make my pumpkin pie and the brine for the turkey, but there was no time to make the green beans.  I packed for Max and me, sent E home, and waited for Jeeves to get back from work.  Irritatingly, he had gone to a work lunch that ran very late and the end result was we didn’t get out of the apartment till 4pm. 

In the meantime, the IUI nurse called and confirmed that I should take the shot that night and come in for IUI on Friday. This was, of course, not the most convenient timing.  We would be out in White Plains visiting Jeeves’ family.  What should we do with Max – leave him with the family?  Take him with us and trade off going into the medical building? 

On the long, trafficky drive out to White Plains, we discovered that Jeeves’ mother had become very ill and was at the ER with his dad. [I will tell you now that she is okay].  I won’t go into the details about how Jeeves’ parents didn’t bother calling us when they originally went to the ER and that finding out where they were took various phone acrobatics on my part.  I will attempt not to complain too much about the fact that if we had known how sick my MIL was and that they would not be home, we would have stayed home too and come out Thursday morning.  Instead, we arrived at the house, got Max fed and put to bed, and then had to heat up dinner and entertain Jeeves’ auntie and uncle who had arrived after us from out-of-town.

My MIL and FIL came home late from the ER and although she looked very ill and tired, all of the tests had come back negative and they had given her some Zof.ran to curb the nausea. 

I have many, many feelings regarding the Thanksgiving weekend.  One of the ones that hit me hardest was walking into a dark house where older people live when one of them is ill.  It reminded me very, very much of coming into my dad’s house the last few months of his life.  It was difficult and unpleasant.  I was also exhausted and angry.  I forgot to pack a bunch of things for myself and for Max and I laid into Jeeves about how I feel like he expects too much of me.  I felt angry in the disparity of time that we spend with his family compared to mine.  I felt frustrated with my in-laws’ house which is not remotely childproofed and requires either me or Jeeves to tell Max “no” dozens of times in a row and to hover over him lest he break something or pick up a knife left carelessly on the coffee table or tumble down the stairs.  I felt anxious about the IUI, and I was in a lot of physical discomfort from my swollen ovaries.  I became impatient with Max, who wasn’t eating and wasn’t sleeping enough.  And at the bottom of all of this, I missed my parents so much I ached.

Anyway.  Wednesday night I gave myself a shot, which went fine.  Thursday, Jeeves’ brother, SIL, and nephews arrived, and my SIL and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner.  It went well enough, but I was on my feet cooking for most of the day and it was tiring.   Adding to this, we have to share a small bedroom with Max (this could be a separate post all together.  Basically the sleeping arrangements are completely unfair because Jeeves’ parents can’t stomach pissing off his brother.  But then instead of letting us have a larger bedroom after his brother leaves, they moved his auntie into the room).  The room is too small for us to have both the pack n play and our bags, so we have to keep our bags in the entry hallway.  Also, the shower broke in the guest bathroom, and the downstairs toilet clogged.  Jeeves said at one point that staying in the house is like staying in a hostel.  I couldn’t agree more.  And I’m too old for this shit.  Also, whenever we travel, Max wakes up at 6am and refuses to go back to sleep.  Did I mention that I was tired?

Thankfully, on Friday my SIL agreed to get up and watch Max while we went for our IUI (we are a little reticent to leave Max with just my MIL and FIL while my MIL is not feeling well).

The IUI was in many ways very different from when I was at my old clinic.  We checked in at a scheduled time (as opposed to just coming in during morning monitoring hours) and were sent to the andrology lab.  Jeeves did his part, and I was given a time to come pick up the sample.  Then we went and ate pastries.  We went back at the appointed time, picked up the sample, went back to the main waiting room and sat until I was called back.  The doctor who performed the IUI was pleasant, though less skilled with a speculum than my primary RE, and we chatted about my previous IUI experiences, Max, and his birth.  Then it was done and I stayed lying down for 15 minutes.  On the whole, it was a more pleasant experience than at my old clinic.

The rest of the weekend sped by, Jeeves got sick, we visited Kate’s family, and had dinner with my sister and her family on Saturday (which was, surprisingly, one of the nicest parts of the weekend for me).  We went home Saturday night and I could have cried with how happy and relieved I was to be home.  After barely eating for three days, Max proceeded to eat everything placed in front of him on Sunday.

So, I’m 5dpiui now.  I’m hopeful.  The fact that I’m hopeful leads me to believe this will fail because nothing can ever go easily.  I mean, we got so lucky that IUI worked for us with Max, what on earth makes me think that we could be so lucky that it would a) work this time; and b) that if it did work this time that it would work the first round?  Oh well.  The benefit of doing this with a 17 month old around the holidays is that I have a lot to distract me during the two week wait.