A Little Bit

Hey all.  Sorry for not writing sooner.  The last two weeks have been kind of a blur/rollercoaster.

The second week of my two week wait was tough.  Aside from the general impatience, Jeeves went to the west coast for work for three days.  Luckily Max had been going through a phase of sleeping and napping for longer, so that helped, and he was generally in a good mood all week.  Although, he did ask for "Dada" during bedtime routine, so we would FaceTime with Jeeves, and he seemed to like that.

On 11dpiui, I woke up, took my temp and was immediately depressed - it had dropped down to 98.0 from 98.4.  For me, that has always signaled a negative cycle.  On 12dpiui, my temp went down to 97.9.  I was sad, but I had been more depressed the day before and I had accepted that this cycle had failed.  I think one of the reasons I was so bummed about it was that I had such large follicles when I triggered - I have never had a totally negative cycle when my follicles were that big.  So I guess I really, really got my hopes up.

I unburdened myself to my Facebook infertile moms group and they totally said the right things (no one told me it was too early, and there was still a chance - they just embraced how shitty the process is and reminded me that this is just the start of the journey and not the end).  It helped a lot.

At 13dpiui, my temp rebounded slightly to 98.0, and I got a little hopeful... till I looked at my charts for the last 5 months and realized that my temp has rebounded to 98.0 the day before I get my period every cycle.  Oh well.  That day I had some slight cramping and a little bit of pink tinged discharge, which made me wonder if my period was about to start.

Jeeves came home and on 14dpiui, I woke up and my temp was up to 98.2.  What the heck?  I was supposed to go in for my beta test during morning monitoring hours and I decided to pee on a stick before I went to see what was going on.

Positive HPT.

What the what?

But it was light. I mean, it was there, but it was definitely light.  Much lighter than either of my HPTs with Max or with my missed miscarriage.  I had a chemical pregnancy on my first IUI back in 2013 and when my beta was around a 32, I took an HPT just so I could see a positive test for once.  That's what this looked like.  LIGHT.

All day I steeled myself for a phone call where I'd be told my beta was super low and that it was unlikely this was viable.

The nurse called at 4:30 - beta was 77.  They were fine with that number.  At my old clinic, they wanted you over a 50.  Still, 77 is much lower than my first beta with Max or with my miscarriage. They were concerned with how low my progesterone was - only a 7 point something.  With Max I was around 36 at the same point.  So they started me on prometrium suppositories (which is super fun).  Still, at least now I had an explanation for why my temp had started to drop.

A week ago, at 17dpiui, I went in for the second beta.  270 - a doubling time of 39.7 hours.  Progesterone had bounced up to 17.  This clinic doesn't make you come in for multiple betas once you get that doubling.  And I'm grateful for that.  Who knows if this is going to work out, but at least I don't have to keep torturing myself with blood levels.  Instead, though, they want me in for an ultrasound this Wednesday - I'll only be 5 weeks and 5 days.

5 weeks and 5 days is where I was when I started my ultrasound debacle with my miscarriage.   I'm definitely anxious.  If this isn't going to work, I would have preferred a chemical pregnancy to another missed miscarriage, and I would have preferred a negative to a chemical, obviously.  I assume they want to check me tomorrow so early because they want to make sure it's intrauterine and not ectopic, and with the holidays and then the weekend, there's limited time for that.  I just keep reminding myself not to expect to see much, hopefully a gestational sac and a yolk sac, and not to freak if there's no fetal pole or heartbeat.  

So that's where things are right now.  Wendy and I have been saying that I'm "a little bit pregnant."  I've been very tired, but I'm not always sure if that's from the pregnancy or just from the fact that I have a toddler.  On Friday I had a rough day with Max and didn't get a chance to eat enough, so while fixing Max's dinner I became lightheaded and nearly fainted.  But other than that, I don't feel pregnant, though I know it's still early.

There's the update.  I'm a little pregnant.  Hoping this isn't going to be a miscarriage.  Hoping that if it was just a late implantation, that everything else is okay.