The Other Foot

It's been a weird day.

But before I go into that - thanks so much for your awesome comments on my last post.  They really made me feel so much better.

I was feeling sad, worrying about the baby bun for a good chunk of the morning and lamenting this damn two week wait we're in.  Prior to the crappy ultrasound from last week, I had been starting to make a list of baby products we would need, reading reviews, and figuring out what brands we would want.  But after that ultrasound, I basically stopped, because if Manuji has club feet, I'm not sure how that impacts whether we get certain products.  For instance, one woman on a message board warned not to bother with little footy sleepers because a baby with casts and leg braces can't wear them.  Which made me wonder if he might need other special things too, like a special car seat or rocker chair.  So, no point in thinking about any of the fun stuff now since we have no idea what's going on.

I did do some research into club foot treatment, so I would know what to expect.  And I did a little research into the more serious implications, but I didn't want to freak out so I tried to limit that.

One of the women in my Facebook group said the other day that due to the long, long infertility journey and all the heartache that was associated with that, she was having a hard time being happy in her pregnancy.  She was waiting for something bad to happen.  I could relate.  The pregnancy stuff that was making me happy, reading Baby 411 and Baby Bargains, I don't feel like reading them anymore because we may have a lot more to contend with.  I may be going for more tests.  I'm hopeful that we will get good news next week, and that if we don't get good news, that at least our medical team will not be a bunch of assholes about it like they were last week.  And I'm hopeful that if Manuji does have club feet, then we will find good doctors who can help him and that club feet will be his only problem.  And I hope hope hope I will go back to being happy.

I'm not gonna lie, I've been feeling a little sorry for myself.  I'm not proud of that.  I've felt bitterness towards people who have great anatomy scans and I was just wondering if I would be the cautionary tale in my Facebook pregnancy group, if everyone's kids would come out perfect except mine.  This is all the stuff that was swirling around in my head today, when I arrived at Port Authority Bus Terminal to take the bus out to Dad's.  I checked in on my group and saw a post from a woman I've mentioned on here before - she's a doctor who is currently pregnant from IVF, but years ago she had a stillborn child due to undiagnosed placental abruption and preeclampsia.  I'll call her C.

C couldn't have the MaterniT21 or other similar cell free fetal DNA tests done because she miscarried a twin around week 9.  It's very likely that twin miscarried due to a chromosomal disorder and that would mess up the results for the surviving twin.  So, she went ahead with the nuchal translucency and first trimester screening tests and got good news - 1 in 3600 chance that her surviving baby had Trisomy 13, and excellent results for trisomies 21 and 18 as well.  But C is a doctor and she prefers diagnostic tests, so she decided to go with an amnio, even though her doctor said he didn't think it was necessary. The amnio went well, but she got devastating results - her child has Trisomy 13.  She's in that percentage of women who are told they are low risk, but in actuality are carrying a child with a significant chromosomal defect.  My heart ached for her.  Trisomy 13 is very, very serious.  Many women will miscarry a fetus with trisomy 13, and if the child is born, 90% will die before their first birthday.  

Aside from hurting for C, who has already been through so much, her news also scared me and chastened me.  It scared me because while I've had all sorts of screening tests, including the cell free fetal DNA test, those tests can be wrong, and what if there's something really wrong with my baby too and I won't know it because I don't want an amnio?  What makes me so special?  Why wouldn't it happen to me?  And chastened for complaining at all about club feet.  And then after all that, I felt like an asshole for making any of this about me when it's not about me, it's about C and her family.

So, I felt pretty down when I got off the bus.  I told Dad about it, and we talked about how in a lot of ways things are harder now because we have a lot of information, but not all the information.  We have enough information about our bodies to be dangerous, but not enough to fix everything.  And after awhile, it was hard to be too down because Dad is doing so much better and is so much more cheerful than he was one month ago.  

So that's where things are for me.  The baby has been squirming around today, which always makes me smile.  Sleep is getting hard.  I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because when I do, Manuji squirms like crazy (I'm probably smooshing him).  So I have to sleep on my side, but my hips are starting to hurt from that.  So Penney is lending me her pregnancy pillow which will hopefully do the trick.

As for Kate's baby shower this past weekend - it was a huge success.  And Jeeves is amazing.  The most amazing husband ever.  He helped me with absolutely everything and I couldn't have pulled it off without him.  I'm so lucky.   

I checked out a non-baby/pregnancy book from the library, so I'm going to try to distract myself.  And I'm also going to let myself read Baby 411 because we don't know anything yet and life's too short to mope about club foot.