Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Omens

"It's a sign!"
"You don't believe in signs."
          -Sleepless in Seattle

It's a big week over here.  First of all, looks like NYC is getting it's biggest snowfall of the season today.  The view from my window:


Allegedly we're getting 8 to 14 inches.  Right now it just looks windy and cold and gross.  

Back when I had my miscarriage last June, I, like a lot of women I know, decided I wanted to do something to commemorate our bean.  One of the recommendations I had read was the get a piece of jewelry that will be representative of the loss.  There are a lot of vendors on Etsy who specialize in pregnancy loss jewelry, and while they were lovely, I wanted to get something that was a) not religious at all; and b) that no one would know from looking at it what it meant.  I also wanted something I could wear every single day.  So, I didn't want a necklace.  I'm more likely to wear a ring every day, and while I was trolling around Etsy, I stumbled across the idea of forget-me-nots.  Forget-me-nots are little pretty flowers that symbolize enduring love.  I liked that idea.  So I found Taylor, who makes awesome forget-me-not jewelry (and other stuff too) out of silver and colored, treated paper.  I picked out this ring.


I wear it everyday.  I get a lot of compliments on it, and I like that Jeeves and I know what it represents, but we don't have to explain it to anyone else.  It's our private memorial to our lost bean.  

The thing about this ring is that while you can wash your hands with it on, Taylor recommends that you remove it when washing dishes.  Last week while I was at Dad's, I took it off to wash some dishes, put it on a shelf, and promptly forgot to put it back on..... until I was on the bus back to NYC.  Obviously the ring is fine and safe and it's not that big of a deal.  It's just that the timing sucks.

This Friday, January 24th, was my estimated due date for the bean.  I'm not going back to Dad's till next Monday.  Which means I won't have the ring with me on the bean's due date.  It's weird to think about that due date, when I have Manuji squirming around inside of me.  It's weird to think about how much harder Dad being in the hospital would have been if I had been a giant 8+ months pregnant lady.  It's weird to think about how a snowstorm like this would have freaked me out if I were about to give birth any day now.  And it's weird to think about how I wouldn't have all these new friends because I never would have started blogging again if I were about to have a baby.  It's bittersweet.  I told Jeeves that leaving the ring at Dad's made me so sad because it was all we have left of him or her, and I was stupid and forgot it and of all the days you want to have something tangible to remember someone by, it would be a birthday.  Jeeves reminded me that it wasn't all we have - that we have our memories of the time I was pregnant, of how happy we were for those few weeks, and how we couldn't believe our good luck.

I don't feel lucky to have had a miscarriage.  But I think that pregnancy reaffirmed for us what we were doing and why.  It reminded us of how badly we wanted to be parents.  And those few weeks of happiness sustained us through the sad months ahead.

But there's more to it than that.  This Thursday is our follow-up ultrasound to determine if Manuji has club feet.  I am nervous.  And I wondered if it was a bad omen that the scan is a) the day before the bean's due date; and b) that I forgot the damn ring at Dad's.

I realize this is all probably a bit silly.  I, like Meg Ryan in Sleepless in Seattle, don't believe in signs.  Or do I?  I don't know.  Sometimes I think I do.  What about that fortune cookie I got right before my miscarriage was confirmed?  That felt like a sign.

So, speaking of signs, last Thursday Jeeves was doing laundry and while we were watching TV and he was folding his many, many socks and undershirts, he found this:


It's a baby sock.  Not ours.  Must have been left behind in one of the machines he used and he scooped it out.  "Maybe it's a sign!"  I yelled when I saw it.  "That everything is okay with his feet!"  Then I paused.  "Or maybe a sign that everything is not okay with his feet?"  Anyway, we decided to keep the sock for now, just in case.

In many ways, I have decided to just accept that Manuji has club feet even though we really have no idea either way.  Right now, it's easier to accept that bad piece of news and be prepared for it on Thursday.  It will not be fun, but it can be corrected and if he has club feet it doesn't change how much we love him or how happy we are to have him or how lucky I think we are.  I am trying to prepare myself for how much the doctors are going to try to scare us that club feet could signal something much, much worse.  And I'm not allowing myself to think about all of the other horrible things it could be.  That way lies ruin, and there's just no point in it.  I am repeating my old infertility treatment mantra: "Don't be scared.  You're going to be scared, so when you start to feel scared, don't be scared."

Positive vibes and prayers are super welcome right now, and I really appreciate all the support.  Whatever happens, whether the omens are good or bad or just exist in my crazy head, we'll get through the week and deal with whatever happens.

13 comments:

  1. I'm just like you—I think "It's a sign!" and then I feel silly for thinking about signs and try to move on. But sometimes it does seem like the universe is preparing us, somehow, even if I don't believe in fate.

    The ring is absolutely beautiful. I really really love it. You have great taste. And once again, I <3 Jeeves :)

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    1. I feel so silly when I think something is a sign, but you're right - if it's preparing you for something, that's okay. I <3 Jeeves too - I'm a lucky gal.

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  2. I love the ring. I'm sorry you left it at your dads. Maybe Bean just wanted to visit with his Pop Pop for a bit. I think the sock is a sign too :) you guys are always in my Prayers!

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    1. Thanks, Kasey! I love the idea of Bean visiting my dad. I'll think of it that way.

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  3. I totally believe in signs, and I think the sock is a good sign! Maybe your test being the day before Beans due date is so that you will have good news to get you through it? You're always in my prayers and thoughts while you await the arrival of a healthy Manuji!!

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    1. Thanks, Rach! I'm hoping the sock was a good omen too.

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  4. Megs, I love you so much. I generally don't believe in signs, except for when I do believe in them. Julie and I used to make a lot of decisions based on fate" until one day we realized that we were just using the term "fate" to make us have a reaction to the decision that was before us. It's hard to describe without gesticulating but I'm gonna try. For instance, we wanted to see a movie and it wasn't playing at a time we wanted - we would say "it's fate, let's watch a different movie" just as easily as we would say "it's fate. we should get drinks before going to said later showing of the movie". See what I mean? Anyway, I think that is what cracks me up about your quote " "Maybe it's a sign!" I yelled when I saw it. "That everything is okay with his feet!" Then I paused. "Or maybe a sign that everything is not okay with his feet?" Anyway, we decided to keep the sock for now, just in case." Hahahaha. I would have totally been the same. And honestly, I think you're right. It's a sign! Of what, who knows? But if it helps to channel a little positive energy as you get geared up for tomorrow, then great. p.s. how much snow did you guys get? B&J have been home for two days due to approximately 3-4 inches of snow. At this rate, they will be in school until July.

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    1. I love you too! I cannot believe B&J got two days off for that! They didn't close anything here and we got 11 inches! And yes, I think if the stupid sock gave me a little positive energy to take into tomorrow, I could use it.

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  5. First of all, your ring is beautiful, such a perfect tribute. And I'm so sorry you're missing it right now. I am praying and sending all my good vibes to you!

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    1. Thanks, Melissa! The prayers and good vibes are super appreciated.

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  7. I am the same way about reading signs and would be sad to be without such a symbolic ring as you approach the due date. You may be having your ultrasound right now as I type this. Sending you huge positive vibes! Whatever the outcome there is no doubt how much you love this baby.

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  8. Thinking of you today and hoping for a wonderful outcome! I definitely think the sock is a good sign :)

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