Talisman

“Indeed, I am as skilled as any alchemist, but instead of turning lead into gold, I turn my fear into daring, and assuredly that is a far greater trick.”

-Robin LaFevers, Dark Triumph

I am not a big believer in good luck charms.  That being said, I own two necklaces – one a silver wishbone that Kate gave me when I got accepted to library school, and the other a bright pink ceramic acorn that I bought for myself in Portland last year – that I once thought of as “lucky.”  Unfortunately, I was wearing the pink acorn on the day we got our 4^th and concerning beta result, and I was wearing the wishbone to the first inconclusive ultrasound.  So although I still love them and wear them all the time, I won’t wear them to any of my RE appointments anymore.

After the D&C, I decided that I wanted to get a piece of jewelry to remind me of the bean every day, so I got a ring.  But I also wanted an untainted necklace, something that I could wear into my next IUI that would remind me of where we’ve been and maybe bring us a little luck.

The Saturday before the final missed miscarriage diagnosis, Pablo and his fiancé Jason had an engagement party at their apartment.  For those of you who don’t know Pablo (his name is actually Paul, but I call him Pablo from back when we took Spanish together), he has been my friend since we sat next to each other in geometry class.  I was 15 and he was 14.  We went to the same college together, lived in the same dorm.  He is one of my oldest and easily my most loyal friend.  He and Jason have been together for almost 7 years and I’m really excited I get to be in their wedding.  Anyway.  Prior to the party, Pablo asked me and the other people in his wedding party to come over for dinner.  We had Chinese take-out, and of course, fortune cookies.  I opened my fortune cookie (and remember, this is two days before I had my final ultrasound), and this was what I found:

I nearly burst into tears.  I considered it not just a message about the pregnancy I had, but a message that applied if that pregnancy ended.  I am always so quick to jump ahead, to think terrible things about the future.  Even now, it's easy for me on a bad, negative day to think that the IUIs will never work and we'll have to do IVF, and the IVFs won't work either.  When I feel that way, I look at this fortune and remind myself that we're not nearly at the end yet.

Long story shortish, I wound up hemming and hawing over whether to get a necklace with a little fortune cookie on it, or a good old fashioned four leaf clover charm.  I went with the fortune cookie because of that fortune. 

But then last weekend Kate came to visit and she brought me my belated birthday gift.  In a small box was a four leaf clover necklace.  I stared down at it, shocked.  How did she know?  "Did someone tell you to get this for me?  Did Jeeves tell you?"  Kate looked puzzled, "No.  I just liked it for you."  I immediately showed Jeeves who was also amazed that Kate would get me something so on point.  I told her the story about the fortune cookie and the necklaces.  So now I have not one, but two talismans for my cycle.

This story is particularly relevant for today because I got a little smiley face on my OPK.  That means that a) I don't have to stick myself with a trigger shot tonight (hooray!); and b) bright and early Monday morning we go in for our IUI.  Unfortunately I have to follow up my IUI with my bi-annual dental visit.  I made that appointment back in March, when I thought "well, I'll either be pregnant, or we will have moved on to IVF at that point."  Ha ha.  Dummy.

I am scared of this week.  In addition to the IUI, I'm going with Dad to his oncologist appointment, and we will get the results from his most recent CAT scan.  I am always scared of scan results.  I am scared that even though I have tried to be "perfect" this cycle - no caffeine, no alcohol, plenty of vegetables and sleep, daily yoga, acupuncture - that it won't be enough.  Because my positive OPK snuck up on me today, I can't get into my acupuncturist before the IUI, which is the one damn thing she told me to do. I'm trying not to beat myself up over that.  I am trying to turn my fear into daring.  I am trying to relax and breathe deeply, and calm the fuck down.  I hope I am up to the task this week, the "be brave" task.  If you could spare a positive thought for me today, I would so appreciate it.