After my not-so-little meltdown on Friday, I'm doing much better, in large part thanks to my gentle commenters and the ladies on my infertile forum, many of whom have been through early pregnancy loss and were able to talk me off the ledge. Also, the aforementioned large bowl of peanut butter and chocolate flake ice cream and an episode of American Horror Story all served to take my mind off of the stupid, stupid beta rollercoaster.
I'm trying to remain upbeat and optimistic, but also temper it with some realism. Which is to say, it's still very early, and nothing is guaranteed. I'm sending positive vibes to the tiny bun, encouraging it to grow, and it in turn is making me very, very tired. I'm trying to remember that every pregnancy is different, and I shouldn't jump to the conclusion that beta #4 is going to be catastrophic. Just the same, Jeeves and I did talk about it and we decided that if beta #4 is catastrophic, I am not going to be strong-armed into going for an ultrasound this early. I don't blame myself for what happened in my last miscarriage, and in many ways I feel that my RE's office handled it as best they could. But that day they made me come in to rule out an ectopic at 5 weeks 5 days - they could have handled that better and knowing what I know now, I'm not going to put myself through that again. Once I made that decision, I felt better. And hopefully beta #4 will be normal and then I'll just have the normal nerve wracking wait for the first ultrasound.
To that end, I've been trying to keep myself distracted. Jeeves' brother got him vouchers for a craft beer sail around lower Manhattan, so we went on that yesterday. I obviously couldn't drink the beer, but the view was nice. I then took a very long nap.
After that, I made more concord grape freezer jam, and I think it's safe to say I've probably got enough jam for the next year. I wish my kitchen were a bit bigger, I'd really like to get serious about canning. I've been reading a lot of recipes, and I think tomorrow I might make Homesick Texan's Houston Style Green Salsa. Today is Columbus Day and I work for the City of New York, which means I have the day off. Jeeves, unfortunately, does not. So I went grocery shopping and made Jeni's maple ice cream with toasted buttered pecans. I haven't gotten to eat it yet, but the little bit I tried was autumnal and delicious.
Other than that, I've been reading and enjoying White Cat by Holly Black. I decided to give it a try after reading her book The Coldest Girl in Cold Town, and the world building is intriguing. It's a great distraction. If I make it through tomorrow's beta intact, I will have to set up a list of distractions until the ultrasound. Now if only I could have a giant iced coffee to wake me up.