Failure

"I took a sip.  Straight rum.  It burned.  But it felt good to feel something strong besides failure."

- Emmy Laybourne, Monument 14

So, it's 10dpiui (that's 10 days post IUI - a friend of mine who reads this blog told me yesterday that he has no idea what any of the acronyms are, so there you go), and I'm feeling pretty down.  I want to preface this by saying that if you are in a bad place and someone unloading their sadness is going to bring your down, skip this post, come back another day, I promise I'll get better.  Or if someone who has two working arms and two working legs and overall good health whining about their life is going to piss you off, you can skip this.  Here's a picture of a stroopwafel that I ate in Amsterdam, and I'll see you another day.  

Anyway, I'm 10dpiui, and I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.  I feel about 90% confident that I am not pregnant.  I was sort of taken by surprise over how upset this made me.  I think what happened is this.  When we started IUI back in February, I didn't think it would work at all.  First IUI was a chemical pregnancy and even though I was sad, I was also kind of relieved that our cells did something, even if it didn't work out.  The second IUI didn't work out, and I was disappointed.  And by the third IUI I was back to thinking this wouldn't work and we'd have to do IVF.  And then I got pregnant and had the miscarriage.  But I was comforted by the thought that I could get pregnant, and by my RE's recommendation that we stick with IUI.  I think I really believed in my heart that this cycle would work.  And it seems it hasn't.  

It's left me with a lot of crappy feelings about infertility.  I wonder if we're wasting our time doing IUIs, if we should have just moved onto IVF already, even though I am not gung ho about IVF.  On the other hand, this was what our highly trained doctor recommended, so why would I discount her advice?  The worst part about this IUI failing is that it makes me think about the other treatments failing.  I mean, IVF's success rate for women in my age group is only 30.5% per cycle.  I realize that's actually a good number in the fertility field, but yikes.  If this were a bar exam and its passage rate was only 30%, I'd go to a different state.  The idea of going through IVF, spending all that money, and not having a baby at the end of it.... it definitely makes me sad and scared.

Yesterday I went out to lunch with Penney and we were laughing about how we are both renters in the City and how we feel like we'll never be able to buy a place because it's so expensive here.  This led to a conversation about how at our age we sort of thought we'd be a little more advanced.  When I got to work, I felt a little down even though lunch had been fun, and eventually I put my finger on it.  

I feel like a failure.  I am a failure at making and carrying a baby.  I work at a part-time dead end job with no serious career prospects ahead of me because I have put the pursuit of a career on hold while I try to get pregnant and take care of my dad.  I am 35 years old and I still have school debt, and my husband and I don't own our own home.  I don't even have my 160,000 mile car anymore.  I feel like I'm not contributing anything of value.  I feel like a giant, sad lump.  I know that looking after my dad is something that has value, but the truth is I don't even think he needs my help.  I realize there are many good things in my life, not the least of which is my freaking saint of a husband, but this week... this week I am struggling.  I need a win and I don't know if or when it's coming.

I wrote a lot of this in an e-mail to Kate today (b-t-dubs, I was totally right and she loves her yoga pants), and she responded with this: 

My love, I know nothing I can say right now can help, because you're going to feel however you need to feel right now. I'd just like to ask you to remember what you have accumulated in your life. Lots and lots of people who love you, street smarts and life experiences, a devoted husband, and the person that you are! It took you a lifetime to build all that.

I know that my feelings this week will fade and I will stop feeling like a failure at life.  I know that some of this is probably just PMS or snowballing from the disappointment of a probable failed cycle.  It's just taking a little time for my emotions to catch up to my brain.  I don't know if any of you watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine (and if you don't, you should, it's funny), but the main character is having a shitty day and he thinks he's in a slump.  I can relate.  I don't want to leave on a sad note, so here's a clip.  I'm sure I'll feel better next week.